Topic Eight: Ranting LJ Style
1. Select a rant topic.
A. Human rights
B. Religious rights
C. Animal rights
D. Use of idiotic phrases
E. Incorrect use of one or many parts of speech
F. Political events
G. Family events
H. Incorrect understanding of a created universe
I. Health limitations
J. Financial limitations
K. Parental limitations
L. Alien limitations
2. Select language options
B. Damn skippy I’ll swear if I damned well feel like it.
C. Does not compute
3. Select keyboard style
A. CAPS LOCK
C. A MixTure of CAps loCK anD StAnDarD
D. Random selection as determined by analysis of the dialect known as LOlCatz.
4. Select audience
F. The teacher who was really mean to you and always got your name wrong in 8th grade.
5. Select rant style
C. Example Rant: Literary —————
He crunched his popcorn loudly, rolling the kernels about his lips before flipping them into his oversized jaws. His motions were slow and deliberate, calculated to irritate, calculated to distract me from the enormity of his wrongitude. My brother has always been like that, a wizard at the politician’s verbal sleight of hand. Today, though, the topic was too important for me to let it go—nobody, no, Nobody, can insult The Hulk (as if the She-Hulk could Take Him Down) within my immediate radius of hearing and be left unscathed.
I took a deep breath, preparing myself for the torrential flow of words locked behind my until-recently closed lips. How would I tell him? Would I say, “You are a moron of the first class, so moronic that, in fact, you could be a Colonel in a Space Opera?” Would I explain that “The Hulk is a far greater creature than yourself with powers even now yet to be revealed?” Would I simply paint myself green, bellow, and tackle him and his annoying popcorn crunching arse?
I glanced at the picture on the mantelpiece—my parents smiled back, their faces glowing despite being hidden beneath six or seven coats of Kabuki-style face paint. Yes. Face paint. Radioactive green face paint. Excusing myself, I went in search of my mother's make-up case.
E. Example Rant: Metaphorical/Allegory —————
Yesterday afternoon, my brother showed me his new WWSJD bracelet over a very early pre-movie dinner.
“It stands for What Would She-Jesus Do,” he told me proudly. “My girlfriend gave it to me. She said it’s a statement about gender equality and recognition of how much better women are at surviving in desert-like conditions.”
Desert-like conditions? I thought. Really? I mean, I like the desert--on TV. But hanging out in it definitely did not appeal. *sigh* Obviously, my dear sweet brother had yet again gotten himself mixed up with yet another group of crazy people. Like the time he’d decided that Chocolate Garlictarianism was the One True Path because a colleague had told him about the special chocolate and garlic only diet. Or the time he’d replaced all of the furniture in his house with paper contsructed equivalents because he’d read they were more environmentally friendly (also more fun if you actually want to fall to the floor every time you sit down). But She-Jesus? I shook my head.
“She-Jesus would never beat He-Jesus in a fight. He-Jesus would just convert some water into a wine cooler then laugh as she got too tipsy to fight.”
“She-Jesus is a master—no, mistress—of Drunken Kung Fu.”
“Drunken Kung-fu wasn’t even invented yet! Besides, the meaner you are to him, the greater the He-Jesus gets. Have you even read the Bible?”
G. Example Rant: Verbatim —————
Me: You’re wrong.
Him: You’re wrong.
Me: You’re so wrong you could be a professor of wrong at This Is So Wrong University.
Him: Yeah, well, you’re so wrong you couldn’t be more wrong if your mother had dipped you in a vat of He-Will-Always-Be Wrong tea.
Me: She-Hulk is never, never, not ever, not even in a thousand million years, going to beat The Hulk - THE HULK - in a throw down.
Him: Brains over brawn, every time, man. And haven’t you heard, the pen is mightier than the sword.
Me: There are no pens involved!
Him: The pen is a metaphor for intelligence. The sword is a metaphor for brawn. You do the math, man.
Me: Well, The Hulk - THE HULK - is better drawn than She-Hulk any day, so he wins in that, too.
Him: Sore loser.
Him: You’re wrong.
Me: You’re so wrong your dinosaur name is Doyouthinkhecouldbeanymorewrong-Rex.
Him: Okay, that’s funny. But you’re still wrong.
Me: All right, I’m going to lay it all on the line here. Take The Hulk - THE HULK - and think. What’s his power?
Him: Like der, hulking out!
Me: What makes him hulk out?
Him: Getting angry.
Me: Right. And the angrier he gets, the stronger he gets.
Him: Yeah, well, the angrier She-Hulk gets, the stronger her intellect gets.
Me: That is complete and utter crapola.
Him: You’re complete and utter crapola.
Me: Your mother is complete and utter crapola.
Him: I’d rather have a crapola mother than be so fundamentally wrong about how the Marvel Universe works.
A. To personal filter
B. To friends filter
C. To locked journal
D. To everyone
E. To EVERYONE, via LiveJournal, Facebook, Twitter, and email
Written for therealljidol </lj> week eight, "Ranting LJ Style".
Note: this entry does not reflect my real brother in any way.
Edit: you can now vote here.